someone threw a dead crab at me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
