I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
