It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
