i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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