I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So much rum. So many feels.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
