I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
