I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
