when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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