I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my being single is dangerous.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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