can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
