dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize