Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
