i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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