Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
