I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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