So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize