She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
