so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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