I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
