Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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