if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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