I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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