Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
