Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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