his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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