Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
