if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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