she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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