as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
