I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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