She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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