i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
