im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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