i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
