put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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