Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
