Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
