singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
