Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
