the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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