Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
