Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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