I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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