i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Panties = found
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
