my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
