She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
