Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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