This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
