There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
