i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
