My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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