ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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