WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I could fuck to npr.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
