Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
