So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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