So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
