Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize