Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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