I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
