I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize