Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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