Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
