Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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