This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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