Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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