Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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