im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
